One Direction listening parties, The X Factor diaries, and the Olly Murs and Caroline Flack rumours filling up my Twitter timeline from the age of 14. Twitter was the one place I could go, to release all of my over-the-top (some would say a bit obsessive) fangirl thoughts without a care in the world and be myself. I remember my friend introducing Twitter to me like it was yesterday. I thought that because I had followed Pixie Lott, JLS and The Wanted, they had automatically followed me back, oh how naïve. It felt amazing that I could even tweet my icons (but sadly with no response) and reach out to other fans who also shared the very same thoughts. I could find out exclusive information about gigs coming up, one-off opportunities to win meet and greets and chat about everything we love about them. I was part of a fandom and it took over my life.
Being a fan means you’re in a fandom for one thing only - to do whatever it takes to meet your idol - and this is how it all became so incredibly toxic. It’s been 5 years and I still haven’t met Olly Murs, I’d say to myself, looking at picture of him with yet another fan, both looking so happy for a couple of seconds. I didn’t care how many times I tweeted him or modelled some ‘old’ merchandise my mum had paid over 30 quid for. It was a chance that he would see me. You can’t help but feel invisible in the midst of the 7.4M followers, all asking for the very same thing; to be recognised and even better, for him to know who you are on a personal level.
It gradually dawns on you that maybe you’re not a ‘real’ fan, solely from the zero responses you’ve had, and with the realisation that you haven’t had even one gesture of his admiration. The amount of pressure I had put myself under just to be considered and accepted in this online bubble was irrational, as it became obvious that not every fan would have the opportunity to see him in concert, let alone meet him. The thrill began to wear off after seeing fans as young as thirteen years old, tweeting in the early hours: “tour tickets tomorrow!” and spending all their pocket money just to verify themselves as real fans to the rest of us. Of course, I was also guilty of this and it was suddenly clear how damaging this space was. I had spent ridiculous amounts of my parents’ money to seen him in concert, book and album signings, yet he didn’t even know my first name. It was time to let go of this life even though it felt like betrayal. I remember when in the beginning it felt great to be accepted in this online community, but it had now faded. It had a tendency to distracted me from real life. I was so caught up with perfecting my online image for the rest of the community that I didn’t realise what was going on in reality.
People say that social media is the platform for your own opinions, but if you happen to say something ‘wrong’, it’s game over and you’re then known for that one thing you once said, forever. The race to get the most attention can turn into a rivalry filled with jealousy and greed. Psychologists say teenagers are constantly exposed to unrealistic images of celebrities. Educational Psychologist, Emma Pike, said: “I see so many students with negative images of themselves. It is clear that it is having a detrimental impact on their education. This year, the number of referrals to the wellbeing team has tripled and we have seen a large increase in mental health difficulties across the board.”
My infatuated investment was a daily routine of comparing myself to others and compulsively checking updates into the early hours of the morning. But can you imagine the number of obsessive messages you’d read daily? I still recall these two girls who would book taxis to the airport he had landed at and hotel rooms in London, in the hope of meeting him, or at least catching sight of him. It’s not so different to my own efforts to get his attention. On February 5th I saw the words: “Nominate a friend to be surprised this Valentine’s by Olly!” pop up onto my screen and before I knew it, I was asking all of my followers to nominate me as his true love for Valentine’s Day. Would potential employers see this tweet? Yes. Did I care in that moment? Absolutely not, if it meant that my luck would magically change after the hundreds of tweets I’ve sent him over the years had no response. Surprise, surprise, I wasn’t chosen, but a 40-year-old hairdresser and 5 others were. I’m not bitter, I swear.
In an interview with People magazine, Idris Elba said that ‘fame made him paranoid’: “If you’re adored by millions, sometimes even on your own front doorstep you can become paranoid and constantly question, ‘Who is he? Who is she?”
Being immersed in social media from the age of 14, I learnt how to present and express myself according to the fan culture I was part of. Being part of a fandom helped fuel my aspiration to have a career in journalism. In no time I knew how and when to approach fans and celebrities online, and this prepared me for my future as a journalist in the entertainment industry. I still get excited over the number of likes and retweets I may get when initiating discussions with other journalists in the field and conversely feel deflated if I barely get a response.
I also have to thank LinkedIn and Twitter for the immediacy of notifications being sent to my phone every time a job suited to my interests and skills comes up in my radar. Yet, with this comes the pressure to appeal to potential employers online 24/7. There is a relentless paranoia that with everything I choose to share, and every move I make online, I am being observed and monitored. I can’t remember the last time I posted without questioning myself “How will this reflect on me? Is it OK to say that?”
Trying to find the right balance between expressing my true feelings without being mocked, while showcasing my professionalism and journalistic engagement to impress the news editors, CEO’s and journalists is a battle I face every day. But being a journalist means I can’t stay in the shadows forever. We all like to rant about our days, share what we love, and retweet puppy threads onto our profiles, so why should I stop? Although nobody wants to see threads of me going on a tangent about Rana and Kate’s real love coming to an end in Coronation Street, or how I am in pain from watching Love Island’s Georgia Steel playing dumb just to impress her date, it always passes and turns into old news in a matter of minutes. It’s about being myself and from being a fan in my past social media life, I now know that trying to fit in with the in crowd, isn’t always the way to win at social media.